Think you are like Li Ann - Bes

Bes, one of my longest known guy buddy (though never met!) told me that after he watched The Leap Years.
In a way, I connect deeply with Li Ann. Both the author and Wong Li Lin herself said they won't spend the 4 years waiting for a promise by a stranger.
I guess I would. Even though 4 years is a tad too long to hold on but I guess I would. If I have a shadow lingered in my heart and if I met him,even for a night and he made me a promise like that...I would wait.

Back to reality, Jason & I almost really finished this whole business.
The keyword I guess it's almost and the idea of breaking off came very close and real. We were not toying with the idea cos' we had some knots between us.
I would never take take the idea of 'break off' as a joke. To me, breaking off and then patching back is the joke. For me, breaking off...I hope is final.

I wanted to type down the messages we exchanged and blog in details the words we conversed.
I think you can ask me if you are interested to know but whether I still find the strength to relate everything back to you is another matter.

We have been together more than 4.5 years and had seldom had a heated conversation over the phone. When we had, it spells the gravity of the matter.
Gravity..perhaps to you isn't that much of an issue, to me, to him is.

Somewhere back then, things stop moving. I dunno if I should take his words for a reason or just plain excuse of not saying it out, not trying it hard. But one thing for is, I felt responsible for it.
I felt responsible cos' I couldn't give him my whole heart and then I did too much damages along the way, especially lately.

When I thought I moved on, am trying to,I thought I didn't see him anymore.Perhaps I haven't been seeing him alongside with me for a long time.

I dun wanna promise him that I would be able to give him a whole heart. I dun wanna promise a day I won't break his heart. When there were days like that, I swore I never want him to stay with me. All along...I did not pretend and never was selfish to want him to stay cos' the one I pined for isn't feeling the same for me and wanted Jason's love just for companionship.
I wanted him so many times to move on when I am like that but he didn't.

You know the silly thing is I kept telling my friends how much a selfish person I am and how great Jason's love for me is? Yuanpin who heard most of it told me that...,"ling..you know what?Jason is ready..."
A simple sentence like that makes me feel like eternal sinner. That is why I always feel responsible & think I am NOT in the position to ask for much.

Not asking for much doesn't mean I am not deserved to get what I least respect.
There he is telling me things like he couldn't deal with it cos' he can't have my whole heart, how he felt pressurized on how are we gonna share a future together, how busy and hard he is working for whatever.
Honestly I think they are craps.

The idea of not being able to have my whole heart is something that I wouldn't be able to change about it. I am obstinate about this and I can't control how my heart decides to stay. There will always be some type of people I would fall in love naturally and I wouldn't like to lie about that. I never attempt to cheat cos' I guess I can only choose one. I don't pretend to be happy with you when my heart isn't there. You know that.

Him & him. A pure coincidence - God's trick or treat.
Let's just say that they have been my purest of pain kinda memories. At least I am friend with the latter...but then friends we will be and I am distancing already...cos' I don't wanna be too much of a friend anymore.

A future together. I dunno what made Jason even think of that lately and even as he did, he never discussed with me. So much for a future together.
It is perhaps perilous for a couple who has stay together for so long and never thought of starting a future together.I just can't. I dunno if I can. I dunno what is pressurizing about him so much about this idea when we never talk about it and perhaps it is not being able to have the whole of me starts him thinking twice about a future of us.

Working craps. Before I ended the conversation, I told him that I thought one day I would be able to see a day of us like what I always wanted to see, always been seeing. You know those kinda meeting after work for dinner etc kinda crap? When we were studying, I thought when he graduated, we would have time for that. No more soccer shit. When he was serving the army, I thought maybe he found a job, we would have time for that. No more army & soccer shit. When he finally got into the working world...this day still didn't come. Office work and after office work shit.
I told him that this day never comes and I don't wanna wait anymore before I hung the call.

That pretty much sounds like a break up note. I almost thought it is and during the whole conversation, I cried like shite! I started tearing on my way home and I stopped tearing after I bathed.
That's how I recovered.
I cried, I bathed, I ate (And had indigestion again!) and I moved on.

If we were to break off like that, I still think I am able to handle it. My life would still be moving on though there will be days I would be crying & sighing over why things ended this way. Shouldn't this 4.5 years+ be precious? How can 2 people still having feelings for each other..ended up like that?
But we gotta move on right?

Honestly I understand that he gotta work. I wouldn't mind him working so long he spends the effort of making his worth as a boyfriend worth while. But to the extend of lesser and lesser messages. It doesn't even occur to him that a good morning note, good night note, a happy lunch 5 mins call could make things move on.
I do not believe he is so busy till he didn't have the 1 min to spare on his way to work, during lunch, before sleep just to drop me a message.

Let's take it that even he is making the million dollar deal every other minute and is so busy, at least..bear the initiative to ask me out on Friday night(by far..I believed, I did that OCCASSION (not daring to disrupt his EVERY Friday) Friday date asking all the time) and have the decency to RESPECT the Saturday we had by NOT being late (Even so, least have the courtesy to say so once you know you are gonna be late.), by dressing up (I made sure I look my best before stepping out and that could possibly be the only reason why I missed the bus sometimes) and bringing me the very little surprises when it is not too hard to ask for.

That Saturday night when I messaged him feeling miserably sick and have no single damn reply till the next afternoon saying "woken up?how are you feeling?" is the final straw.
I thought that was too much for me to swallow in without showing him my finger.

If you guys wanna know, the next message only comes at night telling me "Working now...haven't read your blog...bet it must be a kick on the teeth..at least I hope it made you feel better..I was a klutz yday". I dunno if that is an apology or just sarcasm!

I told him it seemed we stopped listening to each other anymore and still he had NOT the intention to tell me what he felt was wrong and thus his behaviour till I really pushed it in and then the call and we almost broke off.

Saying almost broke off doesn't mean everything is okay now.
Jason ...when you are free to read this, I hope you read it hard, loud and clear.

I say again...I wont promise you the whole of me. When you have me, you have me and one day when my heart chooses the other route, there is no promise broken. Don't make me promise and I won't lie that there will always be someone I loved.
If you really just want me, a future that is me just about you...I can't promised you. When that future comes...I will try my best to make it work but do not think I can forget. Every heart works differently...Some people move on pretty fast. For me..once it happened, I held it dear to heart.
You want the whole of me, you shall embrace that as well. That's how you will have the whole of me.
I once thought you did, with all those touching words and actions...Apparently you backed out and I'm disappointed then you blamed me for me. You didn't blamed verbally but you knew in your heart, you did.

All these times...you still failed to give what I want. You perhaps thought you did but you never really and over the years...you withdraw more and more.
I still feel responsible for it but I did give you a choice in the end.

I asked if you think I cant give you what you want, what you really want..I would back off, just tell me.
I will seriously if you arent happy anymore. I would be happy to see you being happy with someone who can make you really so.

You tell me to try...let you try.

Jason...I really dont want your words anymore. Words are easily forgotten and if they are important, there wouldnt be today.
I asked for a reason..show me one why it is worth to go on.

You know people? Breaking off isn't that much of a hard thing in life. Suicidal over this is stupid. I detest on people who bleaked their world once a relationship fails. Life should move on.
It still pains me like hell to think of that and if I haven't cry enough just now..I would still cry at the notion of breaking off with Jason.

However I believe sometimes a couple break off doesn't mean that they stop loving each other.Sometimes the 'time' between both is up and it's simply moving nowhere to just go on.

I dunno what would become of me if we were to go solo but I always want you to be strong and move on as it is. Only then I know I will be able to.

Just show it to me this time round, I dun want your words anymore.
Actions. How long will it takes for you to remember?